Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
