Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
The air taste purple.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
