Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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