I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize