Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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