I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Life is so much better after having sex.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
There are leaves in my underwear?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
