maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
