My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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