I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
