I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
