I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm just crazy horny about you
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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