just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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