I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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