Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
