come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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