we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
