I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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