who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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