I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize