There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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