hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
