When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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