I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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