took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
This beer is not sobering me up at all
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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