I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
