I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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