sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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