when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
