you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
