and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
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