My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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