If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
