Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
