I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
