Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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