Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We are all done wearing pants today
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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