Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
