im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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