mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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