You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
