That's intense
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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