You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
