why im i the only drunk person in the library?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
