we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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