She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
