He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
