The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
