My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
