It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
