I feel like I'm in dance class right now
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
