It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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