she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You can't just leave with hair like that
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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