Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
