He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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