I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
