He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
