i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize