the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
