your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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