i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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