Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
