if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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