using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
