Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
