god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
