It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
